In the Fall of ’08 Stephanie and I were excited to discover that she was pregnant with our second child, a boy. I didn’t want to name him after myself. It’s cool for other people to pass on their name if they want. It just wasn’t for me. So we chose the middle name after my brother, and we chose the first name because, well, we just really liked the name Jacob.
With this being our second pregnancy I wasn’t as nervous as I was with Elizabeth’s. During her pregnancy I just wasn’t sure what to expect. During Jacob’s I always kind of felt a sense of familiarity. The doctor’s reports were good. Stephanie was getting ultrasounds and receiving positive feedback. We had plenty of baby stuff already, so to me, I was just waiting on him to be born.
One morning in February 2009 Stephanie went to one of her routine doctor visits. She called me around 10-11 AM at work. I remember hearing her say “Ben…”, and I could tell by her voice that she wasn’t OK. After she collected herself enough to be able to tell me what was going on, she tearfully delivered the news to me that we had lost Jacob. I was stunned. I didn’t believe it. Just recently the doctor had told Stephanie and I that he had a great heart. He was strong and healthy. I kept thinking that there had to a be mistake. That maybe the doctor got it wrong. Or even if he was right, Jesus can bring the dead to life. I just knew a miracle was going to have to happen at the last minute.
But that miracle never came. Jacob was around 6 months old, from conception, when we lost him.
Things like this are hard to explain. The lack of answers and understanding can make it even more difficult. But what I know is that these are times when it’s important not to mistrust God. He wasn’t to blame for what happened. He knows all too well what it’s like to lose a son.
Jesus commends the faith of a child so much that he instructs us adults to be more like them:
14 When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” 16 Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.
For this reason I believe Jacob is already in Heaven waiting on us.